this is what it sounds like......

how can I have any doubt?
but how can I have any faith?
you can't just pack up your Cynical attitude when it
suits someone else.... that isn't being true to yourself...
but what the fuck am I saying?
Have i ever been true to myself?
can I ever be really happy?
I wish people knew that I didn't begin to
hate myself out of spite for... myself.
I know what love is.
maybe I'm just like my mother...
she's never satisfied....
(I had too I've heard it 5 times in the last two weeks!
Coincidence? I think not!!!!)
but really now.
Maybe I've been so busy fucking losers for the last four years
I wouldn't know the "one" until he "bit" me on my ass.
so come on
make with the pain because obviously I'm blind.
I'm sorry.

I have the best friend everyone dreams about having.
He has taken care of me while I have been too sick to do very much.
I love him and I don't care who knows.
thank you Otter.

Just when you thought it was safe to return to campus......

So I've fucking decided that I'm immune to hurt feelings
that anything possibly nothing could hold me down or hurt me. fuck was I wrong
let me prefece this by stateing that I hate money.
bettter yet lets skip today irrelervent hurtful rant by just simply stateing :
Horses don't give back gifts.
Horses don't confront you and corner you in the cafe.
Horses don't flex emotional muscle and make you feel like shit.
Horses don't passive aggressivly move away from you in their apartments. (consciensely or not)
Horses don't get mad when you call them butt hurt.l
Horses don't give or recieve parking tickets.
Horses don't have bank accounts.
horses don't vote.
horses don't talk.....
(I'm in no way oneof those chicks who "loves ponies" or that sort of crap I am mearly illustrating a point with an object from my current life. It could have easily been rabbits or pigs or camels... whatever.)
the point.
simply put ... Fuck Off.
I out grew this shit in high school.

sorry to the three of you who read my pathetic rantings but I've been too fucking busy to write. But in better light: I don't care anymore.... no seriously it took me 22 years nine months and sixteen days to finally learn to not give a shit! Someone I became very attached to blew me off... at first it hurt... badly but then once I stopped dwelling on it and concentrating on my work I didn't care anymore! she tried to say something about "talking" but you know it sounded real weak and forced so I said whatever.... and ment it. Its cool if we do... Its cool if we don't. Fucking A I'm an adult! woo hoo! Oh and then in Eric's fucking print makeing class I was trying to talk to some chick about our Language and logic class and how its about applying idea or thesis to problems and not actual math although math is the language that the ideas are based in, and she got all bitchy and went outside with unnameable transfer kid I don't enjoy, and began to talk verbal excrement about yours truly... A week ago I may have been upset or cried...or even been mad... No gentle reader I laughed. Cuz I don't give a crap! I finally get it. For years I've tried to prove to people I am logical but thaose damn feelings always got in the way! well guess what fuckers I officially don't give a shit. I rock you suck... (otters, nicole, doug(eh), and several others excluded) but really now thats all therew is.... damn.