so i just had a massive anxiety attack sitting in my intensives final crit. I used to get anxiety attacks like this 4-5 times a week of different degrees, ranging from low sad type shit, to massive crying hysterical fits where I'd clench my fists until my palms bleed or my legs could'nt move. This one was somewhere in the middle. Could'nt breath...could'nt consintrate....crying....no vomiting....but all in all scary. Before I had attacks because I was intemidated, or could'nt think of the answers. Or at work because it seemed daunting or too difficult. Now I feel as though it could be the recent changes in my imediate life... I'm broke for the first time in years....this frustrates me....My new found relationship that I would'nt change for the world, but at the same time I fear fucking up...big. As far as Art is concerned I feel confident in my direction however i am afraid of not growing with my technique, or an inability to communicate my subject matter. I'm worried about my dad, who apparently got several cortizone shots into his spine yesterday? I'm worried about my western civ class and being the dumbest kid in the class.. (not as dumb as alex) but never the less dumb.. I'm worried about my roomate who just got his car towed to impound....I'm worried about my friends roomate hateing me because I don't like people to hate me, I try to stay ambivalent but its difficult... I want to hang out...but with who? I want to go home and see my mommy... I want to read the adventures of huck finn, I want gellato...I want to go to the opera's costume ball but found out about it's too late (oh well next year!) I want my room to be clean... I want good smelling laundry... I want everything to be fine...just short of alright. yeah and that too, always that.

fuck.